I know I don't usually get too deep on this digital (public) diary of mine, but I've been awake for awhile, just laying here thinking about some things, and I think I just need to be open and honest and let it all out, trusting that my friends and family who are my readers are supportive and might actually have some kind words and good advice that may help, so here goes...
Anyone who really knows me, knows that I am unhappy with my weight and that it is something that I have tried to change. I have tried almost every diet you've ever heard of, and have committed to exercise plans, but eventually, I have failed them all. I really feel like my weight is holding me back from happiness. It's just this thing, this weight (literally and figuratively) that keeps me from being the person who I truly strive to be. It kills me when I hear people say things like "I have no sympathy for fat people, because if they really wanted to, they could change....it's not that hard." Not true. Absolutely not true at all. If it was really that easy, do you think there would be so many obese people in the world? I can only speak for myself, but I highly doubt that anyone would choose to live their life overweight, unhealthy, and being miserable for feeling ugly and not good enough. I will be the first to admit that I am an emotional eater. Like some people use alcohol, drugs, or sex, I use food to comfort myself and it's a vicious cycle, because I eat when I'm sad, and then of course I'm sad because I over eat. I want to make it clear that I am in no way making excuses, or placing the blame on others for my obesity, but I truly believe that my (lack of) self worth makes it so much easier to treat myself badly, by doing things like overeating.
That being said, just as my weight holds me back from living my life, there are things that I believe are holding me back from losing the weight, things that hurt me, bother me, make me feel not good enough, and put up a barrier that makes it extremely difficult to move on from/let go of/make peace with, etc...
And these are things that I have tried unsuccessfully to forgive, put in the past, move on from, so it is my hope that maybe if I put them literally out in the open, I will be one step closer to the freedom that I need.
-The death of my grandfather in 1999
-Being betrayed and deceived by someone who was supposed to be a very close friend
-The childhood sexual abuse that started at age 5 and went on for about 6 years
-Caring for and holding onto hope for someone who has proven he will never change
-Having a father who was not the dad to me that he is to my sibling
-My daughter having a father who was not the dad to her that he is to his other children
So, that's my list. The things that bother, hurt, and hold me back. I want to change, and live a better, happier life. I have tried to be at peace with these things, I really have, but I just feel so stuck. Please feel free to give me any advice, or feedback. I'm open to anything. I've been honest, so you can be too.
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6 comments:
April I am so sorry you are going through this right now. Im going through the weight issue just like you are and its hard. Ive tried dieting, exersizing and eating healthy, but i am not seeing the results I want.
Do you have anyone that can work out with you or someone there to push you? If I lived by you I would definitly try and help you out. Maybe instead of eating when you are depressed or sad, try going for a walk, exersize, write in a journal/blog or start a hobby that you like.
Remember if you need to vent or just talk to someone, im always here for you. I love ya!
April, I just have to say that you have always been one of the smartest girls I know and I'm so impressed by your courage to not only deal with the "symptoms" but get to the root of them. I know that process is not fun, but I really think finding healing for all of that is where you're headed. And then you are going to be showing the way to other girls because honestly we all have root issues don't we?
My favorite scripture is "His grace is sufficient and his power is made perfect in weakness". I love it because it allows us to not be perfect and implies that good things come from the areas of our lives that we're weak and helpless in. When I accept grace in my weak areas I feel like it frees me up to actually succeed since the pressure is taken away to be perfect. Does that make sense?
I think you're a beautiful woman and my hope for you is that you can someday see yourself how God sees you and how others do as well:)((HUGS))
Hi April.
I really don't have any advice persay, but I wanted you to know that I admire the strength you've shown by posting this entry.
I am also an emotional eater, so I understand where you are coming from. I just want to throw this out there...
At what point will you be good enough? When will you matter to you? When will your well being stop taking the backseat to the people who have caused you pain?
(I kinda stole that from Jillian on the Biggest Loser... She has a point)
I know you want to see your kids grow up, see them succeed in life, see your grand babies one day, and meet me at some point. :) Your the only one that can take care of you and set an example for your children. While it is not an easy task, it is worth it in the end.
I'll be thinking of you on your journey while I am on the other side of the states on mine.
*hugs*
I hope getting it all out helps you. I dont have much advice seeing as how I am pretty much in the same boat as you weight wise. I hope things start looking up for you! Thinking about you!
Thank you to everyone for all the comments. Even if you read this post but didn't comment, thank you for that too. My friends and family mean so much to me and it comforts me to know that no matter how down and alone I feel sometimes, I really do have a wonderful support system.
It's so odd to me that since I wrote this entry, some of the situations that I mentioned have either reappeared, or put themselves right in my face, almost like I am being reminded of the challenges that I am facing, and being tested to see how I'll respond.
The positive response that I have gotten from being so open and honest has definitely encouraged me to continue this form of "therapy", and I just hope that I make some progress.
Thank you again.
my precious daughter, I love you so much
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